Dark truth of suicidal thoughts

For the longest time since middle suicide would always slip my mind, how would I do it, is it worth it, what would happen if I did it, who would even care, Truth is, sometimes I just couldn't find the answers. Going on throughout middle school and high school being sheltered off from people made me hide the dark reality of my thoughts and what I was suffering from, and those thoughts still continue to haunt my mind today. In life we are raised to find a sense of purpose to keep this world spinning and a sign of hope to look forward to something in this dark, cruel world, though I myself have a hard time figuring out what my purpose is here. I was never the kind of kid that my parents set high expectations for that I had to meet, I just, got by, It led down many dark roads and hitting a dead end with no where to turn, too this day I look back trying to see what other paths I could've taken to lead me on the path to a good career and have some kind of purpose in my life here on earth, Ill admit though, I cant find one. I believe in my faith in God and he works in mysterious ways, but he will continue to put me through rough waters so that I may get stronger in my faith and to be more prepared for the harder challenges in life. I'm suffering, and struggling hard to find my place in all of this madness, quite frankly I get lost quite a bit, and though I have friends to help me along the way I get caught up on things that seem impossible to reach, I have huge problems with putting myself down, to constantly feeling left out of things or not being good enough to the people in my life, I constantly need reassurance and struggle to find the light along the path.... I have a bad habit of helping others, even if I'm not able to help myself, and these are just the few things that run through my mind. I know this is short but It had to be addressed and right now I'm spiraling down the rabbit hole again, and slowly but surely, Ill eventually hit rock bottom again. Just gotta have faith that everything will work itself out. This is my little talk for the night, be safe and enjoy the little moments before they drift off into space.