The notes

Opening this you're probably thinking that I'm writing my life away and that this is the end, but I can promise you that its not the case at all, however we do need to talk about the notes. From the moment I hit middle school I was writing suicide notes quite a bit, though I don't remember how many, I know it was a lot. We have times in our lives where all we want to do is write away our life and make the pain end, I've been there, however I've come to realize that it isn't the answer to all of the problems, sure life can go haywire at times and it seems like its way to much to take in and deal with, but know that we all just have to take it slow and go through life one problem at a time. In my past, notes were such an easy thing to write because I never found much interest in things, life just seemed so bland, and with no direction to face and go I was constantly just stuck at a cross roads, I never knew whether to just end it there or to keep on fighting for my life and see where I end up, I knew God had some kind of purpose for me, as we all do, and it kept me fighting on to survive; I got through all of the bullying and teasing, the countless hours spent crying my life away in a dark room with no bright light shining in my life, survived through all the heartbreak from the loss of family members, and all of the relationships I had with people that ended rapidly and poorly, but yet as much as I wanted the pain to end, I knew God wasn't done with me yet; The first time I saw this was when I was in marching band that first year I marched OMEA, the last competition of the year, I could just feel the presence of God there, surrounding me and giving me the strength I needed to go out strong at the end of marching season, He was able to open my eyes there and see my grandma up in heaven looking down on me, so proud and smiling wide, know that I had worked hard for this and they couldn't wait to see the show that was about to be performed. I remember how every competition before our shows we would all pray as a band, together, as one, Man I gotta tell you, Praying in a large group of 240 band kids was so empowering, it was like you were about to sacrifice your life on a battle field performing your heart out, I don't know if I sound crazy but it just gave me so much strength and power to focus and perform to the best of my abilities, I was always blessed that our band did that, cause I knew that not many bands would. I'll admit I was never the most religious person throughout my life, I wasn't great with praying and relying on God for things, but I was always drawn back to him because I knew he was all I needed to guide me throughout my life. I know that I cant fix the things that I did in my past and I know that I have to continue to deal with this mental illness but just believing and trusting that God has my back is all I need to keep me going. When I was in Alaska for a trip to see my brother I could just see all the beauty of Gods creation up there and it pushed me to keep going and strive to reach out to more people in my life, it has given me the opportunities to see who is truly my friend as well as being able to help people in need that just simply need someone to talk too, to normal people that may not seem like much, but to know that you can help someone so much and change their life by simply being there for them is just so heartwarming, its what drives me to keep writing and putting out my story and the experiences I've been through, though its not much, even a hug can mean the world to someone that is going through a hard time. The notes were never the way too ending my life, they were only the start of being more honest with myself and the pain that I was going through, they may have brought tears to others but it allowed me to learn about what I needed to fix in my life, had I not been honest with myself, I would've never changed and that same person back then would be me today; To change you must first have hope, and you must always take time for yourself to look and be like, okay, this is what I need to fix, how can I fix that? this is where speaking up and being more honest comes into play, if you aren't honest and true to yourself, how do you expect to be honest to others; first you must focus on yourself and have faith that everything will solve itself, and then you can focus on the more daunting stuff at hand. I'm not saying that you cant go out and use your story to potentially change someones life when you haven't figured everything out yet, but you must be careful, sometimes the pressure can become too much. In the times that it gets hard, don't be afraid to write or draw out your feelings, looking back later in life at the things you went through back then can be so relieving, knowing what you went through and yet you still continued to press on and not give up on life; In the dark moments we get stuck and without faith and help from others, it can be hard to drag yourself out by yourself. Take this time today to sit and reflect on where God is calling you to go and just pray and give it up too him, glorify him through both the good and bad times and continue to fight, try things out even if they fail, and don't let anything stop you from working towards your dream, you never know, you may be surprised and end up fulfilling that dream/ goal.