Taking a step back

We usually never know what's going on around us that we never sit back and take the time for ourselves, to really figure out what makes us click, and what makes us function. How do we truly live out our lives? Take a minute to think about that. Are we doing what we love? are we pursuing the passions that we have for things? Are we sticking up for ourselves and putting our own opinion out there? what is it that makes you tick? I tend to ask myself this a lot, and I'm gonna be completely honest, I don't know the answer to that myself. Lemme give you some more Background into my story and why I am making this blog in the first place. I lost my very loved grandmother at the age of 11 due to pancreatic cancer, It struck a huge cord in my heart and I truly don't thing it will ever settle in my heart, that pain will always hold a big place in my heart, even my life, you see, from that day on I became very closed off, I became super down and lost my sense of direction, I lost the path I was going down, and even lost who I was as a person, and I sailed down the rabbit hole of depression, anxiety, and self harm, I completely lost my meaning to life and things started to come off to me as not enjoyable, I would only take pleasure in things I did for a short while and then quickly got bored of it, I lost my passion for things such as the love I had for drawing, and writing, I started to critique my artwork and writing myself and compared it too others, it only cause me more pain and suffering; I never felt good enough to pick up a pencil again to draw or write, I felt as though the world was trying to get me too stop, like it wanted me to suffocate and kill my happiness and enjoyment from it. Why am I writing to you and reaching out to y'all you ask? well, the simple answer is that, I care about each and everyone of you, I feel like I was called to use this talent to speak my mind and blog about the personal things that a ton of people in this world don't talk about. Self harm, Depression, anxiety, self esteem issues, and in a lot of cases, suicide; you're probably going to stop me there, I get it, They are all very touchy subjects and I'm not here to tell you how to live you life because ultimately that's all up to you, Only YOU have the power to change yourself, move on, and GROW from your past. I wanna just take this time to reach out and say right now that if you are suffering from any of those things I encourage you to reach out for help whether its from a therapist, a best friend or even the suicide hotline. Know that you are never alone in any of this and with time things can get better, we all have a purpose here, a sense of direction and a reason to stay afloat in this sinking world today. I know many of you seeing this, reading this, I know that you are probably seeking for some sense of hope, maybe this could be that sense of hope that you were looking for. Today I wanna lift your spirits and say that I am here for you, I believe in you, and I know that with time great things will happen. Aside from getting side tracked from my story, back too it. About right after my grandmother passed I wanted to become a doctor, and though that fell through, due to not being very smart and low self esteem, I wanted to find a cure for cancer, why am I saying this? low self esteem, depression, and anxiety can either push us to be a better person and improve on ourselves, or, it can drag us down the rabbit hole like I mentioned earlier; I was one of those people, I became so depressed and started shutting myself out from friends, family, and the world, I started to self harm and contemplate suicide on a daily basis, things didn't seem like they were worth living for, and then the bullying happened; I went from just a shy kid to trying to open up to a few people I thought I could trust about some things, needless to say it didn't end well; the rabbit hole grew bigger and I went into my darker phase of suffering with depression and low self esteem. Thankfully I was raised in a good christian home and my family didn't seem to have many issues at the time, But that didn't stop me from doubling the amount that I was harming myself, thankfully though blood didn't come out at that given time. As time went on I was able to distract myself from harming with staying up late drowning out my demons with music and anime, I was hooked but it didn't stop my depression and self esteem from getting worse, it only numbed it till high school hit. The big freshman year, I was actually kind of excited, I had made the band and was having high hopes in performing for hundreds of people, boy was I wrong. Band camp hit and I knew going in that I wasn't guaranteed a spot on the field, I had to compete for my spot to march and perform... I lost every. Single. Challenge, and only got to march the show one time during a football game; I thought that was it for me, I thought I had enough with this world and the fact that it was being so cruel I couldn't take it anymore, but I confessed everything to my family, at the time it was a mistake, they forced me to go to therapy when I refused to go and wasn't ready to open up; It only lasted 2 sessions before they couldn't get me to step outside the door of the house. Onto my sophomore year, this year at the start seemed to go quite smoothly, I had gotten a permanent spot and was placed into an amazing squad with people that drove me to strive to do better and succeed in my passion for marching band, though depression took that passion away from me quite quickly. What seemed as fun and enjoyable rehearsals became grueling long days, a lot of crying, and pain in my knees, I felt like I couldn't go on, I felt as though it took too much time out of my days... I just wanted rest. There was a kid in band that ended up in my squad that year ( you know who you are) that managed to convince me to stay, he saved me from losing that passion for band and made me see why I was doing it in the first place, It wasn't for myself, it was to put on a performance of a lifetime... for my grandmother resting up in heaven, Had it not been God answering my prayer and putting him in my life to talk me out of quitting band, I would've lost all hope in my life, I wouldn't have experience the beautiful things I did in band. Band taught me a lot of things, sure it was hard work, and on time was late, early was on time, but the biggest thing it taught me was how much you had to fight for what you want, to get it just right and put on the best performance of a lifetime; There's a quote by Frank Ocean that goes, work hard silence, Let your success be your noise, that struck me. In order to live the life you want and to succeed you must WORK hard in SILENCE, you don't always have to parade around the things your passionate about or what you are working towards, let that success make the noise itself. The last two years were all about figuring out who I was and what I wanted to do, though I still haven't figured that out quite yet, I'm still working on that, and that's perfectly fine. I think this sums up about all of the topic for this background blog and too just give you some insight into my life and where I stand with self harm and so fourth. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Have a good rest of your day and just simply take some time for yourself each day to reflect and find one positive thing in each day even if its something small.